Why Do You Hate Me?
by robert3A-SN
Summary: One shot set during and after movie: "Do You Wanna Build A Snowman?" wasn't the only painful question Anna asked at Elsa's door over the years - or the only one that broke Elsa's heart not to answer truthfully. But after the Great Thaw, Elsa finally gets to give her real answer. Elsanna sisterly angst and love through 13 years.


**11 years ago**

"Do you wanna build a snoooowman?' seven-year-old Anna sang/asked to Elsa's door, as usual.

"No," 10-year-old Elsa said from behind the door, as usual.

So Anna tried to ask unusual questions to trip her up. But not an Anna kind of unusual.

"Do you wanna read books together?" Anna asked. Even she knew she was being desperate now.

"No," Elsa responded anyway.

"Do you wanna sit in your room and do nothing together?" Anna pressed. Even that would be better than this.

"No!" Elsa just got louder and more annoyed.

"Do you wanna….say bad things about snow? Is that why you hate snowmen?" Anna tried. It yielded a different answer, but not the one Anna wanted.

"Go away, Anna!" Elsa yelled the answer she didn't want to give.

"You said that for _two years_!" Anna yelled back. "Why? Why can't we play anymore? Why can't anyone tell me?!"

"Just go away! You have to go _now!_" Elsa demanded.

If Anna could have wiped her eyes free of tears, she might have seen frost forming on Elsa's door. Or heard the tiny little cracks in Elsa's otherwise angry voice.

Instead of observing those things, she put together an observation of her own. The only one left that started to make sense. One that never, ever _ever _would have made sense two years ago. But what else could it be?

"Do you…." Anna started yet again. This time, she finished with, "Do you hate me?"

It got so quiet after that, Anna almost thought she heard a cold gust of wind. Yet she wasn't listening for anything but Elsa's voice.

Once again, it was a futile wait. And that told her all she needed to know.

"Okay…." Anna sighed, her tears silently running down her face for now. "Can you….just tell me _why_ do you hate me?"

Now it was so quiet, Anna almost thought she heard Elsa breathing. And not that well.

Nevertheless, when she finally spoke, all Anna heard was the word, "Go." So she didn't even like her enough to say the full "Go away, Anna" anymore. That was all she could make herself take today.

"Okay, bye…." Anna said, not even singing it. She ran away and tried to avoid crying until Elsa couldn't possibly hear her. Like she'd want to.

But if she did, hearing her be a big baby – the kind of big baby Elsa obviously couldn't stand – wouldn't help.

Anna tried so hard to contain herself as she went away. In fact, when she heard the first big sob, it didn't even sound like her. She didn't even feel herself making it.

But she was probably too upset to feel it. After confirming her best friend and sister hated her for no reason at all – or hated her too much to even tell her why – it made sense.

Anna's sobs started coming by the time she disappeared down the halls.

Yet even when they faded from earshot, the sobs near Elsa's door – behind it, really - continued.

Along with a very faint, "I love you…." in between them.

**Nine years ago**

"Happy birthday!" Nine-year-old Anna told the now 12-year-old Elsa. At least the now 12-year-old Elsa's door.

"Don't you want your present?" she asked next, holding it behind her back, just in case.

"Leave it there," Elsa said behind the door. Anna frowned, but she wasn't beaten yet.

"I guess I'll tell you what it is," Anna offered. When she got no answer, she continued, "It's a birthday card. But I taped your favorite kind of chocolate to it!" Still, no audible reaction behind the door.

"But you gotta open the door to get it!" Anna drove home. Now she had her for sure. "You want the most delicious chocolate you've ever had? Then just open the door! Let me see you! I can just sit in your room and watch you eat, and I won't say a word, okay?"

She had no way out but to come out now. If _that _didn't make her wanna see her, then –

"Leave it there," Elsa repeated anyway. "Or slide it under the door." She had to be kidding.

"No!" Anna said impulsively. There was no way….well, then she had to use the last ditch offer early, then. "I'll give you the card, but I'm keeping the chocolate! Unless you come out and take it from me! It's your favorite! Your favorite ever!"

"I don't need it," Elsa said.

"But you love this chocolate! I stole it for you all the time! Don't you remember?" Anna pleaded.

"I _can't_," Elsa stressed, her voice cracking. But Anna felt too cracked up inside to take that in.

"You'd rather turn down chocolate than see me? For a second?!" Anna yelled. "Why…." While she could still talk, she called, "Why do you hate me?!"

Anna sniffled, drowning out any other noises – sad or otherwise - that could be heard in the area. "Mama and Papa kept telling me you didn't, but…."

But once again, nothing. No denials, no unlocked door – no need for Anna. There was never a need for Anna.

"Fine! Happy birthday!" Anna gave up, ripping the taped up chocolate piece from the card before sliding it underneath. But she left the chocolate in the halls, not caring if Elsa came out for it or not.

Now that she was going away and couldn't taint Elsa with her….Anna-ness, she'd probably go get it right away.

Yet while Anna went down the halls, Elsa still stayed in her room. A room with patches of ice all around, which wouldn't go away any time soon. Especially once Elsa read the card.

Anna had drawn Elsa sitting on her bed, with a piece of chocolate cake in her lap. She was smiling, and Mama and Papa were standing next to her, smiling and eating pieces of cake as well.

But Anna wasn't there. They were smiling and eating and she wasn't there.

The message conveyed through that piece – the same one that'd been conveyed to the artist for four years – was unmistakable. Especially as Elsa saw herself smiling without Anna around more and more.

Before she knew it, Elsa ran over to her door. She threw it open before she knew better, and might have sprinted down the hall before she knew better.

But she knew better the second she saw the piece of chocolate in the hall. Her favorite kind of chocolate. The kind Anna went through the kitchen to find/steal for Elsa every chance she got, without even being asked. The kind Elsa claimed she told Anna to steal whenever she got caught.

The kind a….being like her didn't deserve anymore. Not after what she did today. After what she did every day.

The only thing she deserved was to go back inside empty handed. With an empty everything else.

At least she could make herself share that _one _thing in common with Anna.

**Seven years ago**

11-year-old Anna knocked more properly than ever before. She was also dressed neater than ever before, while standing up straight than ever before. Now she just had to talk better than ever before.

"Princess Elsa?" Anna asked. "It might please you to know that I haven't crashed into any items in a month. I've attended every school lesson, read every textbook, and passed every pop exam. I don't talk to inanimate drawings anymore, I do everything I'm told to, and I have finished touching snow people."

No answer came, but the new, proper, dignified Anna wouldn't let that bother her. "You can ask anyone. The annoying, clumsy, unintelligent, improper Anna is no more. Now a proper Anna, worthy of being recognized, is in her place."

"If you would care to come outside, you can see for yourself," Anna dared to request. "Don't worry, I won't say a word, make any offers that don't befit a princess, or make any unwelcome noise if you do. You won't regret being around this Anna at all. This I vow."

Anna kept standing up straight, keeping her hands to herself instead of squeezing them together. That wasn't her anymore – it couldn't be. That much was clear, and once Elsa came out and saw how acceptable she was, it would be even clearer.

"I don't want to see you, Anna."

Okay. So she didn't believe her. How could she when she wouldn't even….okay, that was bad Anna talking. Good Anna would be more intellectual.

"Princess Elsa, I'm sure you'll warm up to see me once you see me," Anna stayed steady.

"I _never _want to see you like _that_. _Ever_," Elsa said, as icy as Anna had ever heard her.

"But….but surely if you couldn't stand to see me like before, this is far more acceptable. Right?" Anna asked, stumbling more than she had in a month.

"No! Go away!" Elsa yelled.

Anna couldn't make sense of it. And like always, when something really didn't make sense….she couldn't ignore the only thing that did.

"Why do you hate me?" Anna went back to normal. "If the way I act doesn't matter, then you just hate _me_! No matter what I do! What did I do?! How do I have to act for you to like me?! Just tell me and I'll change! I'll be anything you want, I promise!"

"I want you to go," Elsa responded, sounding more muffled than usual.

But Anna didn't notice. Everything she did do in the last month was useless anyway. Everything she did and every way she acted was useless to her. If no way would work, then she was just….unfixable.

"Fine!" Anna conceded. "I knew learning was stupid anyway! I'm going back on _my _bike now!" She left as noisily as she could, needing to make up for all that lost, quiet alone play time. Anything was better than crying herself into an early sleep, whether it was proper princess behavior or not.

But that was exactly what Elsa did, the minute she uncovered her hands – now that she couldn't blurt anything else out to Anna.

She screamed into her pillow the rest of the day, in between crying over how the most perfect girl in the world thought she had to change. For _her._

And how she would never be truly perfect for her in return.

**Five years ago**

"It's my 13'th birthday, Elsa," 13-year-old Anna said to the door. "Can't you just stop by for two seconds?"

No answer.

"I don't want any presents. Not from you or anybody," Anna pressed. "The only present I want is to see you. You don't have to say more than three words to me. Just three will be enough. Please?"

No answer.

"Three little words. That's all. For two seconds, and then you can go back to everything you actually like," Anna frowned. "Would it be that bad? Would two seconds and three words be _that _bad? After eight years and Go away, Annas?"

No answer.

"I won't have any presents for my 13'th birthday, then! Is that fine?" Anna bit off. "You really want me to have that little? Don't I have little _enough_?!"

No answer.

"Why do you hate me?! Why don't you want me to have _anything_?!" Anna lost it.

No answer.

"You know what?! I hate you too!" Anna finally let herself say and believe. "You want me to go away so much?! Fine, you got it! Forever! I guess _I'm_ giving _you_ an early birthday gift, for the last time! Once again, you always get what _you _want, and never mind me!"

Anna stormed out, yet that storm was nothing compared to the one she left behind.

That little rant about how _she _was the one who had it rough, and _she _was being denied everything, was one too many for Elsa.

To the point where she really _couldn't _hear any more ungrateful rants anymore.

In fact, the next time she came by, maybe she _would _tell Anna she hated her and never wanted her around again. That's where it was headed for anyway. Do it now and let her be stupid enough to think _she _was the suffering one, if that's what she wanted.

There was no point in doing anything else. Just like there was barely any point in pretending Elsa was still human.

Heck, if ordering Anna away forever was inevitable, so was everything else, probably. Every plague upon mankind Elsa would bring about soon enough anyway. What was the point of delaying _any _of it? What was the point of _anything_?

Elsa asked herself that for three hours, the snow and ice piling up all around her along the way. More and more, it looked like only one inevitable, pointless to keep putting off answer was obvious.

One more stupid, oblivious, annoying little knock that caused all this misery by not going to sleep in the first place, and….

And there it was.

"Elsa?"

That was clearly Anna. And yet it wasn't.

It still sounded too quiet, defeated and sad. Maybe that was even worse than two years ago. At the least, Elsa was too puzzled to be angry anymore.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you. I don't hate you. I can never hate you. I love you," Anna confessed. "I don't know why you hate me, but it doesn't mean I can hate you. So….I'm just gonna be good and not bother you, like you wanted. Because I love you, not because I hate you."

Yes, this was far worse.

"Maybe when I'm good enough again, you'll come out. I know you won't for someone as bad as me today. As bad as I've been for more than today, I guess," Anna figured. "But I won't yell at you anymore anyway."

Elsa felt like yelling anyway. But not an angry yell anymore.

"You'll be even more perfect without me. You've been that way for eight years, from what I hear," Anna said. "Now you'll be even better. Maybe I could be too. If it's not too late."

Elsa wasn't used to having an _angry _breakdown until today. But the kind of sad one brewing now….this was more her speed. The guilt at feeling any resentment, any bitterness – at feeling anything at all, really – was right back on cue too.

How could she ever be angry at Anna? Then again, it wasn't like Anna didn't have some ideas. And since Elsa was too cowardly and dangerous to correct her….this was indeed for the best.

As evil as it was. Just like Elsa.

"Well….okay. Goodbye," Anna capped off, before leaving quietly.

And like she promised, she went to Elsa's door the next day, stopped herself, and went by without knocking at all.

Thus was the status quo for two more years.

**Three years ago**

Anna's song ended, and there was no answer from Elsa. Just like how their parents died, and there was no answer. Like absolutely nothing at all would have no answer.

Anna didn't have the energy to sing any more. She couldn't even move from the door. Even when Elsa inevitably told her to go away, she didn't know if she'd be able to.

What could she do, now that it would be just her, forever?

All she knew how to do now was go to sleep. Even if the nightmares would wait for her, they had to be better than the ones she was awake for today. And the ones she'd have to stay awake for in the future.

Not that anyone was around to help make it easier.

All she had was….

"All I have is….a closed door…." Anna let out as she felt more sleepy. "Good night….door…."

A few final little sobs and tears came out, having stubbornly stayed inside long enough. At least _they _cared enough to come out when Anna needed them to.

"I have no one…." Anna stopped being awake enough to delude herself. She learned back on the door and accepted her biological need to sleep. And her need to accept other things.

Nonetheless, she asked another question she hadn't bothered to ask in years. The one where she still didn't know the answer, and never would. "Why….do you….hate me?"

Anna was barely conscious enough to hear that before drifting to sleep.

Elsa was a far different story.

She was still awake and near enough to hear it – and as always, avoid answering it.

At least out loud.

Inside, Elsa answered the way she always had. By thinking about how there was only one thing she truly hated in this world. Tonight more than any other night.

That she was ever born.

If she hadn't gone to sleep against the door minutes later….perhaps she might have decided she hated it too much.

**Present day**

Elsa had finally told Anna everything.

From the night of the accident, the night of the Great Freeze, and everything in between. Every forgotten and wiped out detail was revealed, every blank was filled, and every near breakdown was revisited in her bedroom. Once Elsa started with the first accident, she couldn't stop herself any longer.

Well, now she knew. Now Anna knew just what kind of monster Elsa had been. Better she know now before she got in too deep with the monster she….still could be.

Now that she could yell at her for almost killing her twice, she probably wouldn't stop herself either. All Elsa could do was take it, in case it was the last moments she got with her. But better to get it over with now, before she got too used to seeing Anna again.

Two weeks of being together before another lifetime of loneliness….wasn't the _worst _outcome.

So Elsa waited for the yelling and the hate and the vows to go away for good.

What she got was the second biggest hug Anna ever gave her.

"Oh, Elsa…." Anna added out loud. This only confused her more.

"What are you doing?" she had to ask.

"Giving you every hug you should have got all those years," Anna revealed. "You….Elsa, you gave up _everything _just for me….for everyone….God, I'm so sorry you had to be _so _brave…."

So many of those words were ones Elsa never thought she'd hear. Not from Anna, or from anyone. Why in the world would she ever hear them?

"That's not what I….you shouldn't think…." Elsa stuttered, proving it did run in the family. However, she found one clear question soon enough.

"Why don't you hate me?"

Anna pulled away, looking right at Elsa's sad, confused face. She was expecting hate and scorn because she thought she did something so wrong and unforgivable. Anna knew that face – and wore it – oh so well.

But Anna never knew what she thought she did. Elsa knew what she'd actually done – and in her ignorance, Anna never let her forget about it. And all this time, she'd….

"You never hated me," Anna could finally realize. "All that time, you loved me. I thought it was all my fault…." Anna then thought over all the new pieces of her past – new to her - and started feeling even more crushed than Elsa. "In a way, it was….it really was…."

"No, don'tyou ever say that," Elsa steeled herself.

"You should hate _me_…." Anna said anyway. "I made that accident happen, I made things worse by knocking….I gave up on you when you _never _gave up on protecting me….yeah, you should hate me."

"But I don't! I never did for a second, no matter how much you knocked," Elsa vowed. "No matter how cold I had to sound so I….I could stop myself from pulling you in here. And never letting go again."

Even two weeks after the thaw, and even with 13 years of love bottled up inside, it was still hard to admit this stuff. Yet Elsa made herself keep saying, "But even when I didn't, I didn't hate you. Not once. No matter what you did or said."

"Then….you have to understand why I don't hate you now. Right?" Anna asked.

"But I – " Elsa barely started.

"You loved me!" Anna interrupted. "I was _never _unloved! Not even in these last three years! I never should have thought I was! I should have believed in you and how much you cared…._you _should have known that every day! Well, you're gonna now! We're gonna show each other, together, like it's supposed to be!"

"I….I don't know how," Elsa still had to admit. "Between being queen, fixing Arendelle, learning how to….be near people again? I don't know how much time I'll have to do _anything _with you. And I'm not as fun or interesting as you thought I was before. I know that much. Other than that, I don't know…."

"Then I'll figure out the rest," Anna offered. "I'll sit in on all the boring meetings you need! I'll go out and talk to people for you! I'll look over any laws, speak to the boring people you can't fit in, and I'll learn how to be as proper as you!"

"You'd do that?" Elsa asked – as Anna missed how she was more weary than relieved.

"Elsa, I'd do anything for you. It's about time _someone _did. It's about time _I _did," Anna believed. "If you're gonna change your ways, I need to do it too. I'll be as princess-cy as you want."

"NO!"

Anna barely got over how loud Elsa was. But there was no way she'd get over Elsa grabbing her face.

She was actually touching it. Holding it. Lining it up directly with her own fierce, sad face.

"You made that offer once. Seven years ago. That was _quite _enough," Elsa laid down the law.

"Oh…oh, I remember that!" Anna said. "Wait, _you_ remember that?" she followed up. "Yeah….I remember you hated it."

"Because it wasn't you," Elsa said.

"I thought being me was the whole problem," Anna still believed.

"It _wasn't_," Elsa finally got to say. "Anna….you're already the most perfect girl in the world. The fact I let you believe you weren't for a _second_….it was the third worst thing I've ever done."

"Oh….so is that behind hitting me twice, or one time and the eternal winter, or one time and the funeral, or…." Anna guessed.

"The point is!" Elsa got back on track. "When you thought you had to be someone else for me to love you….it was one of the worst days of my life. You can't imagine just _how _terrible that is."

She gripped Anna's face tighter, touching and powers be damned, as she continued, "Don't you _ever _think who you are, who you've always been, is someone who shouldn't be loved. All you have to be to help me and be loved by me is _you_. I wish I'd let _both _of us see that all along….but I swear I'll never let you forget it again."

"Elsa…." Anna didn't know what else to say. But Elsa just kept holding her and trying to say more, while it was still safe to do so.

"_Promise _me you'll never change for me, or anyone, ever again," Elsa hoped. "I don't want that. All I ever wanted was…." Now she'd probably pushed her limit.

"Okay," Anna agreed. "I promise. On one condition." By instinct, Elsa got nervous.

"If I'm gonna believe I'm perfect the way I am….you gotta do it too," Anna offered. Jumping back in before Elsa could object, she continued, "No excuses! No bringing up the 'terrible' things you did, or that'll set a bad example for me! You wanna be a big sister again, you can't do things like that."

"Like being a good example stopped you all the time," Elsa found herself joking before she knew it.

"Elsa, no one sets a better example than you. In every way," Anna conveyed. "Please, just….try to embrace everything that makes you so wonderful. Everything that you shouldn't change for anyone. Then maybe I'll finally live by your example too."

Elsa gave it some real thought, as well as what she could and couldn't say in return now. She ultimately settled on, "I'll try. I don't know if I can make any promises."

"Then I promise to believe in you until you can. And a little bit after that," Anna vowed. "And I promise I'll never doubt you, or how you feel, ever again."

"You won't have to," Elsa got carried away, and didn't care. "I _can _promise that…."

Despite how….more in tune Anna was with her emotions, Elsa expected to be the one to cry first. That Anna would have the burden of calming her down, since she didn't for 13 years. And yet, there was Anna tearing up first anyway.

"I'm sorry," Anna apologized. "It's just….you want something so much, then you give up on it, and then…." She didn't need to say any more. And for once, she didn't.

Elsa merely reached out for her again, landing her hands on Anna's shoulders this time. Anna laid her head down against her from there.

"I love you, Anna."

Then the more jagged sobs started.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Anna said through them, more on instinct than anything. Instinct for not being as strong, composed or perfect as Elsa – and feeling like she was being punished for it.

But a more dormant instinct in Elsa took over.

"I love you," she repeated. If she had to, she'd say it 365 times in a row, 13 straight times – for every day she didn't say it before. Say it like she should have every single time Anna thought she wasn't good enough.

For this night, Elsa lost count of how many times she said it. Once Anna's sad, happy tears got quieter, she let that distract her instead.

As well as the feeling of being an actual big sister again. Of doing what she always wanted to do again.

Make Anna smile and feel like the most beloved girl in the world. As she would be again.

She kept it alive by making sure Anna never asked….the worst question she ever asked again. She never had to, because Elsa made sure to tell her at least once, every single day, that she loved her lovable sister.

Even after the days when she wasn't so lovable. She had to swallow her pride on those nights.

But there were far worse things to choke down.

**THE END**


End file.
